I record my mistakes but I never learn.

I am writing to announce that Softcore Jukebox will no longer be updated.

Thanks for reading, though.

Kool Thing.

A king at night.

I went bowling with the family last night and it was actually pretty awesome. I was trying to get some healthy competition on the go by saying things like, "Pops, you're bowling like a girl", but the only person who was really taking me on was my sister. Obviously, my Pops won both games, but but I came second in one and that was good enough to satisfy me. I think I'm in to bowling now. I had scampi afterwards, then got dropped off at the skatepark before walking home with Matthew. We watched Dead Men's Shoes and I made a tiny origami crane.

This is the week I sort my life out.

Kool Thing.

An attempt to tip the scales.

I didn't go to college today, choosing instead to go to the doctor (there was a student sitting in, which I hate) before visiting my dog. Afterwards, my Pops, brother and I hit Sainsbury's and I put the contents of my bankie in the change machine. I thought it was silly to move house with a full bankie, so it has been sitting on my brother's bedside table all this time. I realised I was probably never going to count it out and put it in banking bags, so the change machine seemed like the most sensible option. My evening has been typically event-filled: hanging with Matthew at the train station, Miss USA, Bride Wars, origami and dreading college tomorrow. Not a bad evening, on the whole.

Before bed: punishing my teeth with their daily dose of H₂O₂.
Kool Thing.

A tune that all can carry.

Recently, Blair and I were lamenting the fact that we are still too young for friends to be getting married, and that family weddings are too few and far between. Since this conversation, two weeks ago or so, I have been invited to a wedding! I don't actually know the people, but I am embracing every opportunity to have something to look forward to. Something to plan for, something to get up for, something to have a shower for!




God, I'm dull. The realisation of the fact, however, will not dampen my excitement.

Kool Thing.

The kind of thoughts I got.

I feel absolutely sick at the prospect of returning to college tomorrow. I don't know why, but after every holiday I get this feeling in my chest, like things are going to be different and that there is something worth dreading. I know I should be excited for going back. I love it when I am there, I really do. College used to feel like a sanctuary, but now, living in a place where I have the freedom to draw, paint or sew whenever I feel like it, the four walls of my bedroom have become the sanctuary.

I feel so despondent; I have no concern for the past and little concern for the future. To say I live in the now sounds kind of reckless and exciting, but my living in the now is lazing about drinking diet coke, watching scary films, eating too much and doing nothing productive. The guilt is catching up with me. Being able to recommend "The Uninvited" as an alright way to kill a couple of hours is not going to get me ahead in life. I don't feel very happy today at all.

Sometimes I feel as though on paper I have a lovely life, and people think I'm doing just fine. I pretend I am functioning well, and getting on with what I need to and having a great time. In reality, nothing seems to motivate me. I am so lucky and I am pissing away every opportunity for success that comes my way. Here's an embarrassing example of how lazy and demotivated I am: almost three weeks ago, my Guidance Tutor told me to make a detailed comprehensive of how I was going to regain some sense of control. I started said plan, decided that the combination of red and orange fineliner was not aesthetically pleasing, stuffed it in a drawer and have not looked at it since. It's shameful. I am not a child. I don't know why I act like one. It's like, the less I have to do, the less and less I do, if that makes sense.

It's not even as though I am isolating myself from people. If there's fun to have, I'll have it. I don't want to give the impression that I live in hermetic isolation. It's just that if there's nothing going on, I will literally hole myself up in my room, emerging only go buy milk and cereal, to go to the gym or some other unavoidable errand. My priorities couldn't be more skewed. I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. My self-absorption has turned in to a lonely sort of nihilism.

I have lots to look forward to. I know that if I was more productive, I wouldn't feel guilty about looking forward to anything. I need to get a grip and I'm pretty sure I can only help myself.

Kool Thing.

Your radiance.

It's back to school for me tomorrow. College work hasn't really happened for me this past couple of weeks so I have a busy day ahead of me. It's a pretty depressing thought considering how beautiful the day is. Really, the only fruits of the past fortnight are lots of good memories and four rolls of film. From adventuring up to the oak woods on the first night of my holiday to the pub lunch on a terrace in Banchory yesterday, I have had an awesome couple of weeks. I just need to get back on it and remember my responsibilities.

My mind is fried just thinking about it.

Kool Thing.

Decisions.

Get on with life or watch Hollyoaks on 4od? Hmm...

I went to see Copy Haho last night then watched Saw IV. Other recent activities include discovering that the Art Gallery has under-floor heating, eating a whole Padana, flying in to a lack-of-hot-water tantrum, having back to school nerves and lying awake at night wondering how I became this lazy and despondent.

Kool Thing.

The soles of your shoes are all worn down.

I saw one of my best friends today for the first time since October, and what should have been a joyful occasion was marred by the fact that I have a swollen face and neck and my wisdom-gum looks like it has cancer. I have an appointment at 1800 with the emergency dentist. I feel really bad because my mum got off the plane from Pennsylvania and was plunged in to my dental drama within five minutes of coming through arrivals. Holly was totally helpful, pretending to be me on the phone to one dentist while I tried G-Dens again and again.

I am not happy. I feel bad for my dad too, because it was the memorial for the victims of the Super Puma crash on April the First today. There was a massive screen erected just thirty seconds' walk from my front door so I went down and paid my respects. Pops probably doesn't need to be thinking about chauffering me about town with my swollen face and bad attitude.

I'm off to load up on coffee (no solids for me today), double-dose paracetamol and ibuprofen, do a bit of tidying and maybe, if I can muster any motivation whatsoever, have a shower. First though, some pretty things to cheer me up:








Kool Thing.

You lay waste to the world and everything in it.

I want to go back to the Winter Gardens.

Kool Thing.

Even at our swiftest speed.

Last night was rubbish. I was so starved of company that I actually ended up watching episodes of Freaky Eaters on iPlayer just so I didn't feel so alone. My morning has been okay though. I have been knitting, watching Hollyoaks and drawing. I have successfully managed to avoid checking out the ASOS sale, despite having to hear about how everyone has been picking up great stuff. I don't know why I've been punishing myself by checking out net-a-porter instead, but I definitely think this would improve my life immeasurably:


Silk ombré trenchcoat, Burberry Prorsum, £1,795

At least I can't impulse-buy that.

My plans for the rest of the day include a long-overdue session at the gym. I don't care how many people tell it's all in my head; I know I have totally gained weight. I can see my hipbones, clavical and vertebrae slowly disappearing in to my body. It's disgusting. After a good sweat, I'm going to come home and resume my college work. The weather is not great today. It's that cold, cold mist that clings to the skin, so I will get keep warm in wool socks and Get Things Done.

Kool Thing.

Those beams assure me.

I have spent the last twelve days and eleven nights in a state of blissful contentment and now have to face the reality that I have college in eight days, and have to complete twenty textile samples before that. And I am a slow worker. Naturally, rather than getting on with it, I am on Facebook chat, writing a blog post and drinking milkshake. I feel absolutely out of control right now. My financial situation is spinning out of control. I haven't ran for over a week and it's showing. On the last day of college before the holidays my Guidance Tutor told me to make a clear and concise plan of everything I need to do in order to regain some semblance of responsibilty. My unbridled spending and sloth-like behaviour are actually shameful. There is no forward-planning, and I absolutely do not deny myself anything. I don't know what's going on with me. I am having such an awesome time, and I'm so happy. I just don't want it to end, and I'm scared it'll end and it's as though I am trying to make the most of the reckless, fun vibes incase it all ends tomorrow. I don't think I ever want to call it a day.

Other news includes my bottom right wisdom tooth slowly breaking through and giving me shitty moods in the morning. I have one angry gum, and the past couple of mornings have involved me making up with the entire right side of my face aching. I have never actually had proper toothache before, but I can see why people get in such shitty moods when they have it.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I had a great weekend. We went to Moshulu on Saturday night, and despite the dreadful music, an awesome time was had. I saw Joseph for the first time in about four months and Booth was out too, which is a treat. It was just the right combination of people for a night spent laughing. Afterwards, we somehow managed to spend about forty-five minutes at the twenty-four shop, and made plans for Sunday dinner. Blair drove us out to Stonehaven yesterday afternoon and we had dinner at the Marine. They were out of haddock so we all had Huntsman's Pie, which according to the menu was rabbit, hare, pigeon, duck and venison. In reality, it was a big scone atop a gamey brown casserole type-thing where one couldn't discern one meat from the next. It was okay. After our meal we went for a long walk up the woods. It was such a nice evening: long shadows and silver-gold sunlight. Joseph told us about his teenage experiences with ouija boards (I'm sceptical) and we saw lots of rabbits. We all walked with sticks, and it made me think of being at Loch Muick circa '94 with my Pops.

I should go write that plan of how I'm going to get a grip of my life. The sooner I have everything I need to do written down, the sooner I can get on with crossing things off. I will do that clichéd motivational thing where you stick little notes about your room to help you stay on track. I am pretty good at making lists. I can rattle them off pretty quickly I think.

My last act of procrastination will be to post these pictures from the Gael García Bernal from Flaunt Magazine:



Efron has nothing on this guy.

Kool Thing.

Milky Way Magic Stars.

Kool Thing.

The twist is that you're just like me.

Scouring the internet for self-indulgent self-portraits by girls shamelessly obsessed by The Virgin Suicides. I wish my life was as pretty and pale and pastel and washed-out. But then, sometimes I like the fact that my little world is in full colour. I imagine these girls are lonely, cynical and bored, and I don't want to be any of those things. I'll keep looking at them, and avoid emulating them.

Kool Thing.

The evening I've always longed for.

I never did buy the chocolate milk. I walked down to M&S and did that thing where I stare blankly at the shelves for what seems like hours. I was going to buy some flowers but realised I don't own a vase and my bedroom looks like a squat. I eventually settled on a sandwich (they were out of crayfish and rocket, unfortunately) but after standing in the queue for a good five minutes decided that putting £1.30 on my card was ridiculous and that I should actually get to know the convenience of cash-money and I wasn't even hungry anyway. So, I went and bought my magazines.

I've been trawling YouTube for clips from Björk at the Royal Opera House and getting secretly choked up by how beautiful and amazing it is. When I lived with Richard, I used to steal that dvd all the time and watch it whenever I felt sad to make me happy, and whenever I felt happy to make me happier. I found these on some blog and thought they were cute as hell:



"It's Not Up To You" was one of the first Björk songs that I felt really connected with me, and everyone loves "Unravel", don't they? Tonight, I'll be popping in to Five for some Teenage Lust and then tomorrow, I'm meeting my Pops for lunch. I haven't seen him for almost six weeks!

Kool Thing.

To the MAX.

Watching Snog, Marry, Avoid makes me happy. Never running out of things to say makes me really happy. Tanglewood Numbers makes me feel like I'm going to burst. I'm off to buy some chocolate milk from Marks & Spencer, take in some sunshine and then maybe run. I'll have happiness pouring out of my ears.

Kool Thing.